For the sake of clarity

Several people have asked me what moving to Austin means in terms of my dissertation--will I transfer, have I finished? The answer is that it means relatively little for my dissertation. I'm still writing--that's a long story, some of you know it--and I will finish my degree, assuming I finish it, from here. I'll communicate with my committee by email, which is what I did in Atlanta anyway, and I'll have to make a trip out to defend. Assuming I finsih.

I say assuming I finish because I don't know. I don't know if I'm making progress or not. I'm cautiously optimistic about the current situation with my committee but I really couldn't say whether--let alone when--this is going to be done. Whether or not I finish is, in some respect, up to me. In another respect, it isn't. At all. I've already produced hundreds of pages that went nowhere. I can't say that won't happen this time, as I approach the 100 page mark again. All I can do is write and hope for the best.

Incidentally, if the current dissertation direction doesn't work out, I'm not going to make yet another shift. I've already told my committee that. This is my last volley. It's been going well so far, which is the only reason I haven't quit already. Bottom line, if my committee asks me to start over yet again, I'm not interested in doing that. I'm going to leave the program without a degree. There's no question of a terminal master's. I already have one. They don't really grant them to folks leaving the PhD in my field. So that's it. Done.

I feel good about that decision. This has come to a place where it's about my survival, in a truly desperate sense. I can't keep participating in this cycle of...not even writing of rewriting. Of writing and then writing again. I can't and I shouldn't.

This isn't to say that I believe my work is poor--I certainly don't--or that I couldn't hack it, couldn't get down to writing, couldn't do the intellectual work. I can. I don't think I'd be a poor academic. I think I'd be quite good and I know I'm an excellent teacher. I've had a t-t job offer at a place I absolutely loved. I have confirmation from lots of other sources that my work is interesting and valuable. I have certain accomplishments. No, I really do think I'm good at this stuff. In fact, it's because I think my work is genuinely good that I have to stop this if I can't satisfy my committee this time around. That's the sense in which I think I shouldn't keep at this. I have something to offer and I shouldn't waste it stuck in the samsara of graduate school. Time to escape to nirvana by ridding myself of my attachment to getting a phd.

Nirvana, in this case, means part-time employment teaching somewhere in the short term but the longer term plan is to get my master's in social work. Yes, another degree! But a short one and only a master's. I might also consider a certification in clinical pastoral education to pursue professional chaplaincy--I'm especially interested in hospice work--but the first course of action would be to research programs in social work and see where that takes me.

I'm writing this all out here because while some people reading here know these things, some don't quite know what is happening and several people have asked me whether I'm finished and what not. I thought I'd put it down here for the sake of clarity. I may very well finish. I'm still working on the dissertation and yes, things seem to be going relatively well at the moment. But the future is uncertain. Of that I am sure.